Why sex is a big issue for women

Dr Suman Bijlani lists women's common sexual concerns and what they mean for men

Wonder why your wife/girlfriend seems "off sex" of late? Why does she complain of a headache just when you are in the mood? Fact is, as with men, sex is a big issue for women too. Only, due to conditioning or lack of awareness, most women don't articulate them.

Generally, women realise they have sexual problems only when:
» It affects their relationship
» Their partner starts complaining
» When they are depressed
» When they themselves get involved in an extra-marital affair.

Also, the nature of problems differs slightly with age.

Younger women:
Sexual problems relate more to body image issues and 'performance anxiety'. Especially if they feel sex is the only way they can hold on to their relationship.

Older women:
Sex boils down to a chore or duty after years of marriage/relationship. It then manifests in pains, aches, lack of or*asm and other physical symptoms.

The bottomline:
Don't blame your dull sex life on her PMS or mood swings. Gynaecologist Dr Suman Bijlani of Gyneguide tells you how to read between the lines.

Problem: Lack of interest
Message: for*play continues throughout the day
A woman wants her man to make her feel special throughout the day. This sets up her mood for the special night. In a marriage, being interested in the house or taking care of the children is important. Conflicts with kids affects her relationship with her husband.
Hence make that special effort to show you care - through messages, gifts, a special outing etc.

Problem: Poor body image
Message: I want to feel beautiful when I'm with you
A woman might shy away from intercourse due to poor body image - a result of low self-esteem. If her partner nags her about her lack of perfection, it can affect her sexual confidence. It's foolhardy to say things like 'your hips are too wide' or 'breasts are too small' and later expect her to perform in bed. For a woman, the only solution is to work on herself as a person. Men get attracted by a woman's confidence.

Problem: Faking it
Message: or*asm isn't everything
Men tend to focus only on or*asm, but often for a woman, great for*play is enough. Hence, ensure she is happy with the quality of sex. If she fakes an or*asm, it means she isn't satisfied and doesn't trust you enough to tell you. Such a behaviour points to chinks in the relationship, hence work on them first.

Problem: Frequency issues
Message: I am no sex machine
Some men want sex every day, but with women, many other factors need to be in place. There is no ideal time or frequency for sex,but if the frequency of desire is very disparate, seek help. If a woman is stressed or has resentments towards her man, it reflects in lack of interest in sex.

Problem: Pain during sex
Message: Be considerate in bed
A common problem, painful intercourse can result from vaginal infection or if the partner is very aggressive. Pain is of two types. Superficial pain: which occurs at the time of insertion. Or deep pain: that's usually pathological or due to endometriosis or infections. This needs to be taken seriously. Using a lubricant or increasing for*play can help.

Problem: Body odour
Message: Please be pleasant
Both men and women can suffer from fungal infections, tinea infection and similar problems that lead to body odour. To stimulate a woman's interest in sex, it is essential that the man maintains a pleasant personality and smells good as well. Taking the point further, he should make an effort to look good for his woman. It leads to a better response in bed.

Problem: Fear of pregnancy
Message: Take care of protection
It's often the fear of pregnancy that makes women shy away from sex. For good sex, it's important for both partners to be equally aware and responsible for contraception

5 Signs she wants sex

Focus on what she's not telling you in bed by reading her body language

It's a universally accepted fact that women are complicated, confusing beings who, in spite of talking incessantly, rely a lot on non-verbal communication to convey their inner-most thoughts. So it's left to you to unravel the mystery of their look, sigh or grump.

Since they manage to take the same trait into the bedroom and you might find yourself befuddled at her reactions, wondering if she's rubbing up against you out of extreme desire or as a distraction tactic to get you to stop doing what you're doing. We help you decode her subtle body language in bed, so you're abreast of whether you're doing it right or need to up your ante. If you manage to read your cues right, you'll be suitable rewarded and her body will display overall signs of arousal that can't be faked. Here are a few:

In her arms

If instead of holding you, her arms are held close to her body, there might be a little something going on, you should take note of. In some positions she might need her arms to support her weight, but in most cases, if she's consciously holding her arms close, she is clearly not letting go with wild abandon. She shouldn't want to be covering herself up. If however, they're above your or her head, on your chest, splayed out on the sheets or held out on either side, it's her way of telling you, she's comfortable with where she is and there's no need to hold back.

Breathing heavy
This is usually a dead give away and impossible to mask or fake. As the body is excited and turned on, the breath becomes more urgent and rapid. Involuntary moans are made as air rapidly makes its way through her vocal chords. The heart rate increases as the body prepares for an or*asm, making her internal organs demand more oxygen. A thumping heart rate and urgent breathing should let you know that you're on the right track. However, if immediately after a big or*asm, she's back to a slow restful pace of breath, you just witnessed a big show.

Writhing heights
When a body enthusiastically responds to another, it urges for proximity. If she's grinding or pushing herself against you, trying to hold or hug you, her body language is as inviting as it gets. Curling toes are another good indicator, but try to catch a glance offhand. If the motion is subconscious, it's probably genuine. If however, she's lying there waiting for you to do all the hard work, there's probably a little that's happening in terms of arousal for her. You need to regroup and restart. Try changing positions or focus on her erogenous zones to get her attention.

Hip action
A little known secret about good sex is that it's tremendously synchronized. The way the bodies were designed, they were meant to move repeatedly in the same motion until both achieved a climax. So if you find her matching your moves, you've hit the right notes and just need to make it to the finish line. Sometimes it takes a little time to get in sync but if you don't see it happening, chances are that her body is telling you it wants something else, another position perhaps. Wait for her to respond with the same intensity.

In the deep
Once you are in the zone and aiming for the finish, given the sensitivity of organs involved, you should be able to feel her strong internal muscles act against yours. With spasms and some amount of clenching, you'll get a good idea of how well you're doing. However, don't use it as a benchmark since not all women have the same amount of control over their kegel muscles. Some amount of contraction and relaxation that you may feel could be for her own pleasure, but pay close attention to what her overall intensity is telling you.

What works for one woman may never work for another but the idea is to be attuned to the feedback her body language is giving you. If you feel like you're not in sync, pause and try something new. Avoid sticking to a routine or becoming predictable. Spice things up with experimentation, teasing and tantalizing your partner and keep an eye out for fake moans and forced emotions.

6 Ways to make a woman scream with Pleasure

If your lover is taking too long to peak, you need to hone your skills a bit. Here are a few tricks to make her scream with pleasure in just no time!

Stroke the sexy parts: A woman's PC muscle is one of the most sensitive areas. If she clenches and unclenches them, rhythmically, while you are busy elsewhere, she will be close to peaking.

Mission possible: Pillows come in handy all the time. Place one under her hips so that her pelvis also goes up. This gives you more room to touch the sensitive areas and she, well, will enjoy the touch.

Tease her: Be slow, be gradual. That's the trick while thrusting your member in her. Kiss her slow as well and she will be close, very close to the Big O.

Emotional Attraction: Do up your room, light up a few candles, have pretty satin sheets and soft music playing. Talk to her sexily , tell her what all you plan to do and how...the content of the conversation will excite her senses most. Work on her emotions and do what she would love you to do.

Exciting touch: there will be pleasure spots on your woman that she would like you to touch and feel more than the rest. Discover those pulse points. She will feel so relaxed and excited that peaking will not be an issue at all.

Be sensitive: Understand her sounds, whether they are of pleasure or pain, when she tenses and when she is relaxed. Get her to tell you her pleasure spots and do as she feels. She will love you more for it.